Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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