I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
