obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
We are two peas in an std pod
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
