Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
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