I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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