My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
