i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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