I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
