im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
