he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Randomize
