Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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