Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
