direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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