So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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