You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
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