I want to walk on stilts...naked
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
he just fucked me for my cheese..
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
