i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
