my phone needs a breathalizer
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
