It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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