i just sent this text using only my big toe
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
He? As in you personified your dick?
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Randomize
