I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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