I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
