I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
