fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
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