3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
