I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
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