Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize