I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Randomize
