Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Randomize
