if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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