My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Randomize
