probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
