first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Randomize
