shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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