I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
