Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
