I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
