I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
is that a dick in a sweater?
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize