Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
he thought i was a dude.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
