Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
