did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
