I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize