So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
