If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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