My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
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