what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Randomize
