She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
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