I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Randomize
