I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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