allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
