It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
sarcasm needs its own font
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
