Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
