Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Randomize
