i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
