I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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