Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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